Dan, my cousin, is the one who found it--the address for my brother, or at least someone I think is my brother. I've been searching for days with no avail. But Dan emails me this morning with a four page document entitled: "The Vineyard Church North Phoenix Guide to SMALL GROUPS." Pages one to three detail what a "small group" is (apparently a study grouped around specific church issues in an intimate environment). Page four, however, is what interests me--four "Adult Home Groups" are listed, including addresses and phone numbers for some. And this is where Peter's name appears--"Peter Schuler"--along with the description that 'This group will focus on the study of the Gospel of John, prayer, fellowship and outreach to the homeless." It seems that Peter is not the "host" (Steve and Linda Dixon have this responsibility) but rather the location, suggesting that he lives there at "8510 North 50th Dr., Glendale, AZ."
When I download this document off my email I feel excitement--at last I have an address for him--but also something else, something I am trying to identify. Fear perhaps? Worry? Anger? A part of me believes that this can lead to no where good. If Peter wanted to be in contact with my mom, he would have. After all, he knows where she lives. I haven't noticed any letters or phone calls coming Mom's way from Arizona.
Every time Peter has conversed with Mom since he left in 1979 it has been about money--about his need for it and why he hasn't received his "share" of Dad's estate. Why would it be any different now? But really, why does this bother me--this is my Mom's business, right? If she wants to talk with him--to find closure for all these years of pain and separation, that's her death-bed perogative.
I suppose it's "natural"--wanting to make amends, and yet I doubt that Mom really has this in mind. When ever I have spoken with her of late about Peter, there's never the word "apology" (or any version of this word) in her speech. Instead, it's been about telling him there are "some things he needs to know." Mom wants to reconnect but only on her terms. My belief is that the only thing that would reach Peter is a humbling apology--a recognition that she hurt him, that both she and Dad hurt him, by their lack of support of his decisions, by their need to "control" his life. Anything short of this is not likely to hit the mark. And even this may not be enough. So, instead, of emotional support, my parents opted for financial dependence: reluctantly giving Peter money, paying for his rent, basically enabling his dysfunctional lifestyle and decisions. After Dad died, Mom did with him what she tried to do with me (but didn't succeed) but did manage to succeed with my other brother, Eric: manipulate life choices by offering or retracting financial resources and emotional support. This is the worst thing a parent can do to their child, or at least one of the worst things. It's crippling.
After all this time, what can Mom expect? That Peter will come to her bedside on bended knee to make amends? Peter is not a stupid man--he knows how old Mom is--if he wanted such a homecoming he would have sought it before now. Parents don't live forever.
But he is Mom's son. And it is her end of life, not mine. So I have found him for her, that is with the gracious help of my cousin (the youngest child of my father's sister, Lu).
Now what do I do, say?
I have longed for Peter's homecoming, mourned him nearly every day of my life. Felt his absence as a death. Wanted him resurrected back to our family. And now, faced with the possibility of my finding him, contacting him, I know only one thing is probable: an angry 50-something man will reenter my life, Mom's life, demanding to know why he has been so abused, so financially neglected. He will circle like a vulture. I don't know if I can face this, don't know if I have the strength to acknowledge that the brother I once knew, once loved more than anything else, is now the angry, supposedly "Godly" man who lives in Glendale running an"adult home group" for "The Vineyard Church of North Phoenix." Haven't I suffered enough? Hasn't Mom suffered enough? Can I face seeing Mom's disappointment?
But maybe I'm wrong. About Peter, about everything.
Deeply, a mother's daughter
--this-is alifewithmom--
Friday, October 16, 2009
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4 comments:
I hope the best for you and your family. I know how difficult a situation like this can be. I'm thankful that Gramma hasn't asked for John. Something to keep in mind, my mom made sure that all of Gramma's assets (meaning her house) was secure and she didn't have any control over it in case her kids (namely Cecilia and John) tried to talk her into signing the house to them, or get money out of her somehow. When Cecilia came up, I even took Gramma Emma's silver and Gramma's nice jewelry to my apartment because none of us trusted Cecilia to not swipe something to pawn. The reason why we were so nervous is because when I was about 18 she gave me a pen knife on a necklace that belonged to Gramma Emma that her initials were carved in. We got into a big fight and she asked for it back. To try to make amends, I stupidly sent it back to her and we're pretty sure she pawned it. We've never been able to get a straight answer out of her as to what happened to it. Ain't family fun?
Amanda: You do indeed know all about the dysfunction of family. So what is it that produces all of our oddness? Is it simply a matter of the roll of the dice, that as people we are strange and damaged and chances are we will include this strangeness and damage in our families? Or do families inevitably produce this strangeness and dysfunction by definition? And why are some family members more burdened with this than others? C.
My first reaction was, "Damned if I know." I think it's a blend of our biological make-up and our environment. Our biology determines how we react to different situations. Take you and Eric for instance. You both share the same mother who became very ill. You reacted one way, and Eric reacted another way. Now Eric is the baby, correct? Just as John is Gramma's baby. That also plays a role. However, the situations we experience, and the environment we live in also form who we are. When we're younger, we can't do anything about it, but when we're older, we choose how we live and the role we play in our lives. Some people are the center of their own life and everything revolves around them, some put others (or another) in the center of their life and their life revolves around that person, and I think some see a bigger picture - they look at the whole of life that happens around them. They're not the center of it, because they know that life isn't about just them, but they don't dedicate their life to someone else, they know that life isn't about just that person either. Some people don't want to admit how other people influence their life, especially if it's bad, and more especially if it's family. Fucked up families don't always produce fucked up people, and fucked up people aren't always the product of fucked up families. It's a matter of biology and environment working together, and what each individual takes from life and what s/he leaves behind - what that person chooses to learn. People who look at the big picture I think want to learn more and meet more people. People who are the center of their own world or make someone else the center of their world know all they want to know. My favorite line from The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood is, "All mothers fuck up their children."
To answer your last question, I think some people are more burdened with the strangeness and dysfunction of their family because they are weaker - they let that dictate their life too much and give it more power to determine who they will be. The strangeness and dysfunction of our families influence all of us, but it doesn't always have to determine who you are. It's important to be your own person. I don't want to be too hard, which I know I can be guilty of, but I don't want to be too soft, a lot like I view my mother. However, she is a messed up person with a very messed up childhood. Sometimes you can't do anything about it. As far as suffering the burdens of your family, like how the burdens of your family fall on your shoulders, is because you take it on, as my mother took on the burdens of caring for her mother. You might not feel like you had a choice, but you did. You could've pissadeared like Peter, and Carmen could've pissadeared like John, and your mothers would most likely be going up Shit Creek without a paddle. At least this is my humble opinion. Did I answer your questions at all?
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